Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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