I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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