tell your sister to shave her snatch
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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