my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
