I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
