i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
