Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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