Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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