from now on my penis is your penis
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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