She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
