how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
