how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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