were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
