she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
We left an ass print on the piano.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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