I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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