My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
