i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I booty called her while she was in labor.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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