Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
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