anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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