Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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