I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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