Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.�
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
