That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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