I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
My cat gives me a boner
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
