the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
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