So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
