When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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