What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
