just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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