Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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