I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
