I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I have fence marks all over my body
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
