he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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