meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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