i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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