addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
