I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
