I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
