Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I just forgot I was standing up.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
