Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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