I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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