i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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