I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
