I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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