I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Then you guys just all showered together...?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
