I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
