I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
