I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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