I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
