Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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