His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Randomize
